The Fight

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Chapter 4

Daniel sucked his breath with dread at his own feelings and his eyes quickly returned to Darren's face. He knew now what had made him feel guilty at Colby and Darren's break up. And what had made him feel bereft at Darren's involvement with that man. He looked away, his mind reeling as it tried to fight the sudden flood of memories and emotions.

This can’t be happening, I’m not like that! I can’t be… The blonde guitarist felt overwhelmed, trapped but as his panic escalated, his automatic pilot kicked in.

Daniel wet his lips to return some moisture to them as his entire mouth had gone dry. He slowly looked up again when he’d finally regained some control. Darren had an impatient look on his face, his eyes snapping at him expectantly. He seemed to be totally oblivious to the turmoil his band mate was experiencing.

"Well?" Darren snapped, losing patience, spreading his arms expressively.

I need out…please get me out… Daniel gulped at the unconscious posture of invitation Darren conveyed and replied, still panicking on some level, "I don't know! Look, we have to get out of here."

Darren's brow furled with consternation and a bit of hurt, and he spoke in a soft confused manner, "What? Why? Rebecca said..."

Daniel snarled involuntarily, his body's frustrations lending an edge to his tone, "I don't care what Rebecca said! I can't stand to be in the same room as you!" I’m sorry, Darren. I can’t do this, not now!

Darren flinched at the unexpected attack, his eyes reflecting their pain for only a second before that ever-present guarded look replaced it. Darren made to speak then stopped himself and looked at the ground with incredible vulnerability.

"Why not?" he asked, his gently voice cracking with emotion, as his eyes filled with tears, "What did I do?"

"What? You think by crying you're going to make me feel guilty?" Daniel sneered, itching to forget about the feelings he'd just been exposed to, "It might have worked if you were female!" God he doesn’t even know the truth of that! Darren, don’t you see? I don’t want to hurt you! Just let me go!

Darren's tears dried up forcibly and he gritted his teeth in anger. "What do you want from me?!" he shouted, his face mottling with irritation and confusion.

Better not to ask, mate. Daniel grimaced wryly even as the welcome wave of rage flooded his senses.

"What I want," Daniel stated, calmly and viciously, "Is for you to get out of this room. All this time you've been blaming me for your problems, for not caring, but all you can think about is yourself!" Daniel started as he realized that he wasn't just arguing for the sake of arguing anymore...what he'd just said was true!

"Oh right!" Darren took a threatening step towards the bed, his fists clenching at his sides, his temper flaring, "I could say the same about you! You've become too distant, so self-absorbed you've forgotten about everyone else in this band!"

"Namely you, right?" Daniel retorted sarcastically, getting up from the bed to face off against Darren, "There's that selfish, pop star Darren. You've changed, mate."

"Well so have you...and I'm not your mate!" Darren hissed back, defensively. His anger pushed him another threatening step closer and there they were again, the two (former?) friends on the verge of attacking each other.

Darren took one step further towards the agitated man until he could feel Daniel's tasteless breath caressing his face. Caressing... his eyes widened as long repressed memories of wanting and desire suddenly made their way into his already overheated mind. No. No, no, no. Not here. Not now.

Before he could stop himself, the words were already tumbling out. "Don't you... don't you even feel for me anymore, Jonesy?"

He watched Daniel's eyes narrow with every mounting tension. Ignoring all the danger signs flashing frantically through his head, he took another tentative step towards him. He wanted his best friend to... feel something, damn him!

"I want you to care for me like before," he whispered, his face now only inches away from Daniel's own paling face. "I... want to feel you feel for me... for us... once again."

And with that, he reached out and carefully placed his hands on both sides of the guitarist's frozen face.

"I miss you…," he murmured, as he ever so slowly moved closer and pressed his lips to his.

The world didn't exist anymore. Nothing existed anymore. Time simply stood still.

Daniel inwardly gasped as he felt those silken, divinely familiar lips against his own. This isn’t happening…He felt Darren pull his trembling form into his embrace by wrapping his strong muscular arms around his slender waist. Oh God, just tell me this is a dream…

"Darren," his voice was a low warning as the singer's nimble fingers ran deliciously through his damp hair.

Darren finally parted their brief union to take a breath. He looked deep into Daniel's liquid eyes. "You are so beautiful, you know that?"

Exquisite. Every word sent every sensory cell in his body into overdrive. It is happening.

"Kiss me again," he sighed, surrendering for the moment, closing his eyes as his hands stroked up and down Darren's back, through the thin material. His nails raked every vertebrae of his spine. Darren shuddered involuntarily at his touch.

Darren moaned softly in response as he sought entry into Daniel's mouth again. Their tongues touched and ran over the roofs of each other's hot mouths. Very slowly, he placed his hand under Daniel's shirt and sensuously started to stroke the smooth skin underneath.

Touch me, feel me, indulge me...

Daniel wanted to taste every bit of Darren. But he was feeling high, too high too fast... the way the singer was sending velvet shocks to his neuron receptors was quickly driving him over the edge. How could I have not known for so long?

Then, quite suddenly, he felt his belt being gently unbuckled and Daniel's euphoria disintegrated quickly. He tried to pull away from Darren's addictive kiss, but the singer was too absorbed to notice Daniel's tentative struggles.

As Darren's hand slid sensually into his waistband, Daniel jerked at the sudden heat engulfing his senses. It felt like liquid fire was burning in his veins and the unfamiliarity of it all forced him to break free violently.

He pushed Darren back with his good arm, panic lending him more strength than necessary. The singer stumbled backwards and barely regained his balance in time to stop himself from crashing into the window.

Breathing heavily, both men just stared at each other in silence. Darren initially had a disoriented, glazed look in his eyes but slowly his gaze sharpened. He stared at his partner, a guarded look returning to his face, waiting for him to say something, anything, in response to what had just happened.

As Daniel's heart rate slowed, he ran a shaky hand through his hair and wet his lips with the tip of his tongue, trying to clear his clouded mind, unaware that Darren's darkening eyes had fixed upon his mouth as a result.

The guitarist looked down in a dazed manner to gather his wits before looking up again to speak, his voice husky and timid, "Darren...what's happening to us? I've never thought of any man this way. Never felt the way you made me feel..."

Darren's heart wrenched at the pleading, confused look his band mate gave him, as if expecting him to have all the answers, to protect him from his own feelings. Guilt from turning his beautiful guitarist's life upside down fought ecstatic joy at the knowledge that Daniel returned at least some of the feelings he had. He took a step closer to Daniel, wanting to comfort him, but stopped when Daniel flinched and moved back almost reflexively.

"Don't ever be afraid of me, Daniel..." Darren murmured, his voice low as if he were trying to calm a skittish deer, his eyes intent on Daniel's, "I don't have the answers you're looking for. All I can tell you is how I feel, how I've always felt. This isn't just about love, Jonesy...this isn't just about Fate or Karma...or even sex."

Daniel stared at him, torn between a fierce desire to run from the room and an equally fierce desire to return to the singer's arms. He spoke softly, his composure regained, though he remained wary, "Then what is it about? Tell me."

Unable to hold that intense green gaze without losing track of his thoughts, Darren looked down and drew in a shaky breath...it was time Daniel learned the truth. Darren sighed, and solemnly waved Daniel to the bed. The guitarist’s eyes widened uncomprehendingly, looking at the bed with a muted panic.

Darren sighed again, this time with exasperation, his voice quivering slightly with amusement, “Dan, I’m not going to attack you! For heaven’s sake, just have a seat!” Daniel’s cheeks turned a slight pink and he sat down, looking at the floor with an embarrassed look.

Darren’s expressive blue eyes widened with startled revelation, and he breathed with discovery, “Are you blushing?!” Daniel shook his head quickly, still refusing to meet his eyes until Darren exclaimed with delighted glee, “You are! Daniel Jones, you’re blushing! I can’t believe it!”

Daniel flushed even more before looking up with burning sea green eyes and snapping defensively, “Leave it alone! Just get on with whatever you need to tell me. I want to get out of here as soon as humanly possible.”

Darren’s mouth twitched as he fought a smile, before his thoughts returned to the more serious matter at hand. He cleared his throat with slight discomfort. He never dreamed he’d be telling Daniel how he felt. “Well…” Darren started off, biting his lip and reaching up to rub his jaw again. He kept his eyes averted from Daniel’s as he began, “It’s about … need. I mean, from the very beginning there was always been something…odd between us. Ok, so we’re like brothers, we’re comfortable with each other, we tease each other, we get angry and irritated with each other…but it’s not just that-“ Darren suddenly exhaled with frustration, muttering almost to himself, “This is coming out all wrong…”

Daniel watched the singer pace, impatiently, running a hand through his hair while he tried to clear his head and begin again. He admired Darren’s ability to share his innermost feelings and normally, it would have been easy to understand him and to accept his feelings, but this…this was something else entirely. A part of Daniel wanted to understand what Darren was saying, but another part of him was just too scared to even try.

Daniel ran his eyes over Darren’s tense body, and his first unwitting thought was to ask him if he wanted a massage. He started and scowled, ready to berate himself for thinking such improper thoughts, when it occurred to him that on any other day he would have thought nothing of offering to give his partner a massage. The guitarist’s brow furrowed as he realized with regretful consternation that despite all his efforts, things had changed…and the changes had only just begun.

Darren suddenly stopped pacing and whirled to face Daniel with glowing, determined eyes, his voice firm and strong even with its sweet, breathless quality, “Haven’t you ever felt something more between us, Daniel? Something inside? Something different? I just…I know deep down I couldn’t live without you…I need you to be there for me, to hear me and listen to me and inspire me…to feel for me. Do you understand?”

Daniel’s liquid silver eyes gazed back at Darren without emotion. Darren wanted so badly for him to understand, but part of him knew that mere words would not do the job. He waited for Daniel to respond, holding his breath with expectation.

Daniel blinked and drew a breath to speak, carefully choosing his words, his voice a husky rumble, “I….no, I don’t understand…that is, I’ve always felt a connection with you. But this…this isn’t the same. I do need you, but what does that mean? You’re my mate, my business partner, and yeah, my brother. Maybe it’s not what you’re thinking, maybe it’s just…misplaced affection.” Please let it be misplaced affection!

Darren’s eyes darkened with slight anger as he frowned at Daniel, his voice lowering in thought, “What are you saying? That the last 7 years I’ve just been fooling myself? I know this feeling is real, I’ve felt it before—“Suddenly Darren stopped and turned away abruptly.

Daniel couldn’t believe what he’d just heard, and his voice was almost inaudible with a mixture of confusing emotions, “What? The last 7 years? What are you talking about, Darren? And when did you feel this way before?”

The ethereally beautiful and slightly effeminate singer clenched his hands at his side, his mind shaken by the full realization of what he was revealing of his innermost heart. He spoke emotionlessly, in a dull detached voice, too drained and afraid to look at Daniel, “Ever since we met up, I’ve felt something, something indescribable. It’s been in every song, every melody. Colby felt it and…he felt it, even though he only knew me for a year. Look, I can’t explain it. All I know is, the only other time I really felt this way was when I first met Colby. I wanted to absorb her into me…I wanted to be her world and for her to be mine. Then you came.”

Darren paused, and abruptly turned to face the window again, looking at the skyline with a faraway longing before huskily continuing, “You with your quick smile and moody eyes. We hit it off so well and so quickly, it was meant to be, the band, our friendship, everything. But the truth is, since that day in your garage, I’ve been fighting this feeling of…helplessness…whenever I’m around you. I did a prime job of it too…you never noticed, and I buried it so deep, I almost forgot about it. But it affected me, it affected Colby, and… look, we never really said why we should end our marriage…but we both knew it was time to stop the pretense.”

Finally, Darren took a deep breath and turned to lock gazes intensely with Daniel, his voice lowering to almost a caressing whisper, “Being free made me feel volatile, it made me vulnerable to you. So I moved to New York, but I still needed something…someone…to focus on, to help me. It worked for a while, but even he realized the truth. It wasn’t just because of me though…ever since Colby and I split, you’ve been hiding. Despite everything I feel…no because of everything I feel, it hurts, Daniel…it hurts when you stand in front of me and look straight through me. It hurts to wonder if you’ve stopped caring about our friendship. I’ve wanted so much more and I’ve had to be content with what we have. Look, what I’m trying to say is…even after 7 years of trying to deal with this, I’m not prepared to lose you, Daniel.”

Daniel sucked in his breath, shaken by the depth of emotion he saw in Darren’s eyes. His emotions swirled inside of him, making him dizzy and light-headed. He felt as if he’d been on a roller coaster and his stomach was just settling back into place. And he felt angry. Angry? Daniel looked away from Darren, clinging to the anger, but unsure of its origin.

Darren became uneasy as the silence wore on and finally he burst out in a nervous, pleading way, “I didn’t want to have to tell you, but this situation left me no choice. Don’t you care about our friendship, Dan? Can’t you trust me enough to tell me what you’re feeling at least?”

Daniel’s head snapped up and he stared hard at Darren. He knew why he was angry and his face darkened, his eyes sharpened with it.

“All this time…” he began softly, ominously, standing up as he spoke, “All this time, you’ve felt…like this about me. You’ve taken advantage of situations that should have meant nothing but a friendly gesture. And you expect me to trust you now? You never told me a damned thing!”

Darren looked dazed as the guitarist stood, his body tense and his nostrils flaring with the effort of controlling his rage. What just happened? Why is he so upset? He voiced his questions timidly, bewildered by the sudden change in his best friend, “W-what? What are you talking about?”

Daniel felt completely and utterly betrayed, although that wasn’t the only cause of his anger. He also felt a sense of regret, but with all the emotions he’d experienced in the last few hours, the last thing he wanted to do was try to understand his feelings while Darren was in the room. His mind, instead, raced over his memories of their partnership, but now with a completely different perspective.

“When you’re after me on stage, that’s not an act, is it?” Daniel snarled, his eyes glittering with hurt and outrage but also a vicious mocking look, as he spoke aloud of his discoveries, “When you grab me and you say it’s because you’re feeling emotional, it’s a lie, right? You cop a feel whenever you can! Here I thought it was just you playing to the fairy image, making fun of the media, but it was real! You kissing me on stage back in Oz…putting your arm around me for a little too long…standing too close for pictures! You were always making innuendos about us. And you did it all for a reason! Because you want it, right? You bloody fucking want it!”

By this time, Daniel was back in Darren’s face, shaking with a wrath he hadn’t thought he was capable of feeling. He wanted to hurt him, strangle him, to brutalize that innocent angelic face for causing him all this grief. I don’t want to feel this way, damn you!

He blamed his best friend entirely for the strange emotions and yearnings he was experiencing. He knew he was hurting Darren, he could tell by the way the singer had paled and was trembling, his eyes uncomprehending and wide with pain, but he couldn’t seem to stop the hateful words that poured out of his soul. Nor did he want to.

“And all those months we spent in that one bedroom wreck, can you tell me you didn’t think about touching me…doing me when I was drunk…can tell me you didn’t want to crawl into bed with me and just fuck me…even if I was asleep, even if I was unwilling?” Daniel taunted, his mouth twisted in a mocking scowl, his tone, ugly. He spread his arms in a deceptively in a mockery of invitation, his voice softening to a seductive caress, but with no less disgust, “Can you tell me you don’t want to fuck me right now?”

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