Someday

chapters 1 2

Chapter 1

Ok. I could do this. After all, I had to. What choice did I have?

I took a deep breath. Come on, Darren! You’re a damned pop star! You’ve gotten up on stage in front of thousands and reduced them into screaming masses! You know how to wrap any interviewer, male or female, around your finger!

But there was always that voice inside of me that said this was different. That you were the one person who knew me completely, in spite of my diva-ish traits. And you knew when I was laying on the charm and when I was being completely genuine.

Yeah, this was very different.

Well hell, idiot, make it the same.

Another deep breath.

“Daniel…there’s something I need to tell you…” My voice echoed in the hollow acoustics of the room.

“I think we should break up the band.”

I stared for a moment longer, waiting for a reaction that would never come, then my brow furrowed with frustration. Oh yeah, that was a great way to say it! Blunt and hurtful!

“Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck!”

I snarled at my reflection and started pacing the spacious bathroom again.

I stopped pacing abruptly and stared at the mirror again. I hadn’t slept all night, and I was beginning to notice dark circles under my bruised eyes. Fresh from the shower, my hair was plastered in dark blonde curls to my head. My murky colored blue eyes looked huge on my face and the worry lines were deepening.

Vain until the end, I pulled out some moisturizer from the cabinet and rubbed it into my face then on my chest, which was bare and itched. Damned wax job. I adjusted my towel, shook some water from my hair and tried again.

“Daniel, you know, we’ve been in this band for a long time, and you know I think of you as my brother. So I’m going to be completely honest with you. I’ve noticed you don’t seem to enjoy being in this band anymore, so I’ve thought about it and I think it would be best if we just sort of…parted ways.”

Yeah that’s it. And then you’ll tell me you don’t want to break up the band because you do still enjoy it. Moron.

Not you, me. Actually…maybe you too for not being as perceptive as you think.

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair, making it spike up on end from the water. These new waves made me look even more of a pretty boy than when I Want You had been released. I scowled at myself. I wanted to look like a man, damnit. It just didn’t seem to be in the cards.

Hey, there’s a thought. Maybe I should try and act like a man first.

“Daniel, we’re mates right? So look, this break has been great and I just think it’s a nice break. Let’s keep doing it. You know? I knew you’d understand.”

I stared at myself blankly, then made a wailing noise and leaned on the counter. That was the dumbest one yet. Maybe I was just approaching this wrong. Who said I had to be even slightly honest?

“Hey, listen Daniel. You’re so busy with your Meridienmusik…maybe we should just call it quits on Savage? I know that seems a bit harsh, and yeah it will disappoint all the fans. But to be honest, I don’t really have a reason to leave my solo career, it’s doing fantastic. And Sony doesn’t really care if you come back, since they’ve got me. I was thinking the other day, I really like being on my own. And I like working alone and trying out different genres and different producers.”

And I like missing you all the time and having producers walk out on me because they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing and they can’t read my mind. And they won’t take my shit. Because they’re not you.

God? Why does this have to be so hard?

I could feel tears welling up in my eyes at the thought of never working with you again. At never seeing you get that intense look in your eyes when you were inspired. At never taking a piece of that intensity and knowing it belonged to me, it came from me. It was the most awe-inspiring feeling. And one I wasn’t allowed to experience again.

No, that wasn’t quite true. I wouldn’t allow myself to experience it again. Because if I did, I knew I’d break down and cry. And then you’d know the truth.

Fury built up inside me and I punched the wall in an effort to release the frustration. And ended up bruising my knuckles.

“Ow…goddamn it!” Let’s face it. I’m not a man. I never was, otherwise I could punch the wall without tearing up over the pain and sucking on my knuckles to make it stop hurting. I felt like I was a boy still. A boy trying to be a man.

Or maybe a girl trying to be a man.

Hell. I laughed bitterly even as tears streamed down my face. Even if I were a boy trying to be a woman, I still wouldn’t be able to just come out and tell you the whole truth. I was a coward, period.

“Oh yeah, that’s it, you dick.” I grated sarcastically at my reflection. “Tell him the whole truth, great idea. Yeah, hey Daniel? Sorry, mate, but I don’t want to work with you in Savage anymore. Actually I don’t want to have anything to do with you. It’s nothing personal; I don’t hate you or anything. Actually quite the opposite. I just can’t stand to be around you because when I am, I wanna fuck you ‘til we’re both too bloody exhausted to even think.”

Hmm. Kind of liberating. I plastered an embittered, fake grin on my face and continued.

“Besides, it’s just pointless to go on. I can’t focus, I can’t write, I can’t do anything around you. I thought it would go away, this feeling, and I haven’t told you before now because well, I’m a fucking coward! So, yeah, let’s break up Savage Garden and then I can get the hell away from you. Oh, and let’s not write and say we did, okay?”

I grimaced and was contemplating punching myself á la Fight Club when I heard a strange muted noise from behind me. Whirling around, I nearly dropped my towel when my eyes focused. On you.

You made another choked noise, your green eyes wide with shock and disbelief. And pain. There was a tragic stunned quality there that I could have appreciated as a would-be actor, except that it was real. Very real.

Oh God. Daniel.

“Daniel.” I said your name out loud with a peculiar calm. I think a part of me just didn’t believe you were standing there. And had heard everything. I said it again as if to make it more real to me, “Daniel—“

You were gone. So fast, I’d barely even seen you leave. I stood stunned for a second, then panic struck and I stumbled out of the bathroom.

“Daniel, wait! I can explain!” Useless words flowed out of my mouth, as I ran down the hallway after you. You weren’t running, but your long striding legs covered much more ground than I could in my towel. I don’t know why I was chasing after you, to be honest. Because you’d only heard what was in my heart.

Deep down, I knew, regardless of how I did this, I would hurt you. Still, I had to make you understand. Or maybe drive the stake in a little deeper. Who knows? I’ve stopped trying to understand my own sick and pathetic intentions.

So I frantically opened doors that you closed behind you as you weaved through my San Francisco house. I regretted buying such a large house, as I huffed from exertion. I finally saw you turn back through the main hallway, trying to find a way out. I instantly stopped regretting as I realized I had you cornered. In your distress, you’d gotten lost and ended up in my bedroom.

Shit. In my bedroom.

Well, this was an ironic place to have this conversation, to be sure. Especially in a towel.

I stopped in front of my bedroom door and took a deep breath. Then slowly opened the door.

You had your back to me, and you were breathing heavily, though not as badly as I was. Always in such good shape, I thought, trying to ignore the visuals that created.

I quietly closed the door behind me and cleared my throat. Your back stiffened. Tension rippled around you like an invisible smoke. You lowered your head, and it was all I could do to not approach you and press my mouth to the back of your neck. But your hands clenched as if you’d read my mind and I forced the thought away.

“Daniel,” my voice was low as I tried to be as non-threatening as possible, “Please listen to me.”

There was a slight silence, and then you spoke without turning, your voice equally as low, “Why? So you can finish me off? I got the message, Darren.”

“Did you? Did you really, Daniel?” I challenged, my voice breaking in distress. I looked up at the ceiling as if for help, then decided to make the most of your turned back and went to my closet. Dropping the towel, I rummaged through the immaculately hung clothes and pulled out some nice dress pants.

You see, I had been getting ready to go to dinner with you. To discuss the future of Savage Garden while you were in town briefly on business. But while I had known you wanted to discuss starting work on our band again, I had been preparing to show you the end of it all. Why you’d shown up at my house was beyond me.

As I reached for some boxers from my dresser drawer, you chose that inopportune moment to swing your head around.

“Yeah I fucking got—Jesus Christ, Darren!” You bit out forcefully, the blasphemy uttered with an exasperated disgust as your gaze caught my nudity. You quickly swung back around and looked away, simultaneously flustered and angry. Shit.

I quickly dressed, too worried about your agitated state to worry that you’d caught a full look at me, naked. I pulled on a smooth black satin shirt but didn’t bother doing up the buttons. I contemplated your even more rigid form, as you nervously ran your fingers through your arrogantly spiked dirty blonde hair.

Your body was still thrumming with tension and you kept shifting from one foot to the other. I knew your flight instincts would kick in soon unless I did something. In my mind, I saw the fire in your eyes when you’d turned around, ready to cut me down to size. Then the moment of realization when they had flickered over my exposed form. Your pupils had dilated and you’d frozen for a millisecond. Then you’d remembered.

Why did you turn away, Daniel? You wouldn’t have cared before. Why does this have to make anything different?

I sighed, my misery threatening to overcome my need to have this out. “Daniel, I’m dressed.”

You seemed to force yourself to relax, before you slowly turned back around. Your eyes were slate green. Expressionless ice. Your mouth was twisted at a grim angle, your face the stone beauty you reserved for photo shoots. You shoved your hands in your pockets, and my eyes were drawn to your immaculate light gray slacks and white sweater.

Fuck, you looked good. Distant, cool, clean. Unsullied by the likes of me.

I spread my arms in an unspoken plea for trust. And finally I said what I had been avoiding for a long time.

“Fine. Let’s have it out then. I want you, Daniel.”

Nothing. You did absolutely nothing. No change in expression, no surprise, no anger. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing!

“Did you hear me? I said I want you! As in I want to fuck you!” I said it as earnestly as I could, just so you realized I was serious. I couldn’t believe you had heard me right. I frowned slightly when you still looked at me steadily.

Finally, I saw a tiny muscle tick in your jaw. At least it was something.

“Doesn’t change anything, does it.” You stated calmly, tilting your head to the side in a slight challenge. I felt like you were accusing me of something, but I couldn’t figure out what.

“What?!” I was incredulous. Of all the responses, this was not the one I had been expecting. But then, you had this uncanny knack for throwing me off guard. I glanced up at the ceiling again, licked my lips and took another deep breath. I held it, looked at you, then released it in disbelief.

You shrugged. And explained in your deep rumbling voice, “You still want to dismantle the band, right. Destroy everything we’ve worked for. And for what.”

Questions that weren’t questions. My God, you were focused completely on the band. Never mind that I was insanely in love with you! Never mind that I couldn’t get my mind off fucking you!

I made a strangled noise of my own then. Something halfway between a laugh and a sob.

“Daniel, are you even listening to me? I can’t work with you! I’ve explained why!”

“Yeah. You have. But listen, Darren…I have spent too much time and effort and money on this band to just give it up.”

I watched in helpless amazement as you started casually pacing the room, as if contemplating a business proposition rather than my sexual and romantic interest in you. You finally stopped and leveled me with another look.

This time you took a deep breath, and then you stripped your sweater off in one smooth, fluid motion. You looked down at the white singlet you wore underneath and bit your lip, almost thoughtfully. Then with that same contemplative expression, you shed that as well.

I put my hands up in front of me, as if to ward you off. What was this, some sort of fucked up dream turned nightmare?

“Ok. What…the fuck…are you doing.” It was my turn to speak in a clear and succinct tone, enunciating each word carefully. I kept my eyes on yours. Inwardly, I congratulated myself on the first step to recovery from my obsession with you. Not looking at your bare chest.

I took two steps back however, when I saw how your hair was now endearingly mussed. Bloody hell.

You shrugged again and this time I considered punching you instead of myself. You folded your arms across your chest, casually rubbing them from the sudden chill of being shirtless.

Goddamnit, Darren, don’t look at his fucking nipples!

Shit. Too late.

My eyes unfocused for a couple seconds before I forced myself back to reason.

There was no flirtation in you as you replied softly, “If it’s the only way to get you to come back to Savage…I’m willing.”

I must have gasped, my jaw hanging wide open, my blue eyes wide with complete shock. But I don’t actually remember, my mind was whirring with too much information and imagery. You gave me a wry fleeting smile that was purely Daniel Jones before reverting back to your matter of fact expression.

You reiterated as if speaking to an idiot, “You said it yourself, Darren. You can’t work with me because you want to fuck me. So let’s fuck.”

When I remained in my stasis of absolute astonishment, your body suddenly obtained an arrogant stance. Now you were flirting. You walked up me to in a deliberate way, and slowly pulled my shirt down off my shoulders. You leaned forward, inhaling my scent from about mid-chest then up the side of my neck, stopping in front of my face.

Your lips were just inches away from mine, your eyes convincingly unfocused as you breathed, “Fuck me until I’m too exhausted to think, Darren.”

My own words thrown back at me.

I was mad. Not crazy mad, angry mad. Furious really. Alright, maybe a little crazy too. Because while 90% of me wanted to take you up on your incredible offer, 10% of me wanted to kick your arse then bawl like a baby.

The 10% won. Go the underdog.

I shoved you away. Hard. I was actually impressed; I rocked you slightly on your feet as you took a few steps back to keep your balance. Your face shuttered. I suppose you had been expecting this, or maybe you weren’t and that was why you had put your guard up.

In any case, I had something to say.

“So what you’re telling me, Daniel,” I don’t know why I emphasized your name. Maybe just to remind myself that you were the man I’d adored for so long. A man who had just offered himself to me in exchange for my membership in a band that would die from mutual torment if I stayed. “Is that if I stay in the band…you’ll fuck me.”

“As often as you like, provided it’s within reason.” Your voice was calm and controlled. You knew what you were saying. You weren’t drunk, you weren’t tired, you weren’t angry.

“Within reason of what?” I snarled. My fingers clenched into fists that dearly wanted another wall to try to break. You would suffice though.

“Of our schedule.”

There was a pause. It felt like all the oxygen left the room in that moment. I floundered for a second, my outrage nearly stealing all capability for thought.

“What about Kathleen?” I tried not to say her name with the hate I felt. The two of you had been together for a few years now, and the rumours of an engagement had hounded you for the last year and a half. Really I didn’t hate her personally. I just knew I could never have what she did. It made me hate myself.

You shrugged casually, breaking the stillness of your pose. You casually flopped on the bed and sat, leaning back on your arms.

“She doesn’t have to know for now. I’ll tell her when it’s over. I know and love Kathleen, she understands me. It won’t affect our relationship.”

So damned sure of yourself. This is one thing that I could never comprehend about you. Even in the face of insanity, you were always so unnervingly calm and casual. I didn’t know what to say now. It seemed like you had a solution for everything. And finally I came up with a trump card.

“And what if I never want it to be over?” My face must have been filled with a derisive triumph, my voice surely dripped with it.

“One or the other will end on its own accord eventually. Savage Garden or us. This is not the time for Savage. I won’t give it up so easily, Darren.” The determination in your expression was intimidating.

“So instead you’ll prostitute yourself for it! Is this band worth that much to you that you would…that you would…” I couldn’t even bring myself to finish the distraught sentence. I felt like I was on the verge of tears.

“That I would what…” My eyes focused on you immediately at the sudden change in tone. Your voice was soft and soothing, your tone gently cajoling. Your eyes glinted with a slight amusement as you slowly neared me. “That I would make love with you? It’s not prostitution, Darren. We’re mates. It’s ok. I won’t hate you because of it. It’s not your fault. I want to help.”

The tears had started spilling from my eyes the instant you had referred to us making love. Even though I knew that underneath that beguilingly gentle guise was a heart of steel going after what it wanted the only way it knew how, I couldn’t help but hesitate.

Your assault on my resolve wasn’t over either. You cautiously reached up and brushed the tears from my cheek, your fingers caressing my face with a tenderness I thought I would never experience…not from you.

It made me cry all the harder. With a choked voice, I bit out, “I can’t.” I couldn’t even look at you.

“Why not, Darren?” Your voice was low and almost in my ear as you stood hovering on the point of taking me into your arms.

“It’s not enough…it’s not enough!” I pushed you back again, this time less violently and my eyes pleaded with yours to understand. “I wanted you to come to me…but you’re just…you’re not even remotely gay, Daniel. It would be wrong, I’d never forgive myself. Not when—.” I sobbed here for a moment, unable to speak, before finally finishing, “Not when you mean so much to me.”

Even now I couldn’t say those three stupid words. It was easier if you thought it was completely sexual. I felt like if I did say them, a black hole would open and swallow me up and I would never see you again. Well you always knew I was melodramatic.

With my head bowed, I cried into the remerging silence of the room, my harsh gasps and sobs seeming louder than they were. Finally, when I’d regained enough of my dignity, I looked at you again. Your grey-green eyes were muted now. The shutters were gone, but there was a perturbed look to your face.

“I think I could like it. I can try.”

I froze for a second and then it seemed that those words drained the tension from me. I laughed and cried helplessly, and this time I went towards you and pulled you into a warm but platonic hug.

“You aren’t supposed to have to try, Daniel. Let it go.” I murmured this in a sad, resigned way, though at least now I wasn’t as overwrought about it all. It felt like I had faced the greatest temptation and won, but with it came the cost of immense martyrdom.

You hesitated then hugged me back. And when you pulled away, I thought all this crazy talk was over with. That you’d finally accepted my decision to break up the band.

You gave me a look of mild affection and of a strange regret. “So…you’re still going to break up the band, then? I can’t change your mind?”

My mouth twisted wryly and I apologetically shook my head, no.

You looked down for a moment as if considering something then you did the oddest thing I think you’ve ever done (barring the recent conversation of course). You leaned over and chastely kissed me on the cheek.

Your eyes glowed strangely and touched the same cheek in the way someone who wasn’t sure if I were real would do. You then murmured so comfortably that it took me a few seconds to comprehend what you were saying, “I’ll speak with some legal people then. I still hope we can settle this outside of court, but if not…you’ve been a great business partner, Darren. I hope we can still be mates.”

With those contrasting words, you gave me one last gentle smile and walked out the door, snatching up your clothes as you left. Leaving me standing there stunned and not quite sure what had just happened.

Still, some part of me noted the hilarity of the fact that you had just given me the metaphorical kiss of death.

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