A Loving Lust
chapters 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Chapter 1
“You know, you can be such a prick sometimes.”“Yeah, so what of it?”
“Nothing, that was it.”
“Well…play me a bleeding heart melody and ask me if I care tomorrow!”
“Bitch!”
“Wanker!”
Darren made a face and smirked in response as the mirror reflected it back to him. He smoothed his fashionable black Gaultier suit and flicked at his slicked up hair with a finger. He then stuck out his tongue at himself and swiveled to leave in a huff.
He stopped abruptly when he saw Daniel standing in the doorway. The younger man’s hair was spiked to enhance the icy blonde streaks and his mesmerizing green eyes were wide with disbelief. He wore a more casual label, not well known, Darren was sure. But still he looked very sleek and stunningly put together.
Darren spread his arms dramatically, deliberately emphasizing his words with a lisp, “What? Can’t a man have an argument in peace these days??” With that, he strode out of the room with his characteristically haughty strut.
“Not when it’s that involved…and all alone!” Daniel muttered, shaking his head with a sense of amazement and hilarity. He deliberately raised the pitch of his voice and squeaked, “I hear voices!”
“I heard that!” An irate voice called back from down the hall. Daniel grinned and headed out of the dressing room. Award ceremonies were only fun because Darren always came dressed to the nines and slightly insane. He loved alienating all the other musicians. Hell, if they didn’t have a sense of humor, who needed them anyway?
~*~*~*~*~ A couple days and a few ARIAs later, Daniel flicked a kernel of popcorn at Darren’s head.
“Cut that out.” Darren grumbled distractedly as he stared at the glowing TV screen. “This is the best part!”
Daniel rolled his eyes and downed his beer. “Don’t you ever get sick of this movie?”
“Hey, I watched the Matrix with you and didn’t say anything. You could show me the same courtesy! This is the part where Queen Amidala actually reveals herself!” Darren retorted as if that were reason in itself. He then proceeded to almost miss his mouth with a handful of popcorn; he was so fixated on the movie.
“Hell, in Matrix at least you get to stare at Keanu’s leather-bound arse the whole movie!” Daniel huffed, rearranging his long legs on the couch so that they were slung over the side. “I can’t even enjoy Natalie what’s-her-name, she’s so fucking young!”
“Be glad I didn’t make you watch Velvet Goldmine,” Darren turned his gaze on Daniel for a moment to aim a retaliatory kernel at Daniel’s unsuspecting face.
“Hey! Damned diva.” Daniel muttered and grunted. “Wake me up when it’s over.” He attempted to get comfortable on the couch, his head resting partially against Darren’s leg.
As he mock slept, Daniel heard the singer switch off the T.V. whilst making grumbling noises. Suddenly, he felt a hot breath on his face and opened an eye to peer up in amusement at Darren’s upside down face.
Darren gave him a woeful look and whined, “You always ruin all my fun!”
Daniel scanned his face with warm glowing eyes and replied mysteriously, “Do I really?”
The singer maintained his pitiful expression for a moment before succumbing to giggles, “No, you poofter.”
Daniel snickered and reached up and poked Darren in the cheek, “You should talk.”
“I should know!” Darren shot back, his eyes sparkling with teasing challenge.
The guitarist stuck his tongue out and retreated it when Darren’s face loomed closer. He raised an eyebrow questioningly when the older man’s expression turned mock scrutinizing, complete with lush, pursed lips.
“You look funny upside down,” was his final conclusion.
Daniel’s mouth broke into a beatific grin, his face and eyes naturally lighting up. “So do you,” was his amused reply.
Darren suddenly scuffled about and within seconds was stretched out next to Daniel on the couch; actually, more like half on top of him.
“Move over!”
“This couch isn’t big enough for two, Darren!”
“Come on, sure it is! Shove!”
“Darren!!”
THUD!
“Damn it, Darren.”
“Oops. Sorry, Dan…”
Darren grinned sheepishly down from his position on the couch as Daniel rubbed his head from his new place on the floor. He decided the carpet wasn’t so bad looking and joined Daniel there. The two of them lay there, flat on their backs, side by side, staring up into the shadows of the dimly lit living room. There was a comfortable silence.
“Do you suppose that someday, when we die…that we’ll be buried just like this?” Darren’s voice was soft with curiosity.
Daniel turned his head to look at his band mate with incredulity, “You, mate, are a peculiar thing.” He reverted his gaze to the patterns on the ceiling.
Again another silence passed, after which he added quietly, “I hope so.”
A small pause then, “Me too.”
The frosted blonde man remained still for a moment then raised his arms to tuck his hands under his head so he was propped up more.
“Darren…do you ever get tired of being gay?”
~*~*~*~*~ He felt Darren turn his head sharply to look at him but refused to meet his gaze.
A slight breath and a hesitation then, “I’m bi, Daniel. And I don’t really have a choice in the way I feel.”
“Well, I know that, but I mean do you ever get tired of men altogether and want to be just…straight?” Dan’s voice was low with sincerity.
Darren contemplated for a while. “Yeah, I guess sometimes. But only because I don’t think I’ll ever find that perfect love.”
That propelled Daniel to turn his head and their gazes met warmly, comfortably.
“Really? Well, why not?”
“Because all the good ones are straight or taken,” was the singer’s cheeky attempt at lightening the mood.
Daniel chuckled a bit then sighed and they both resumed gazing at the white patterns of the ceiling.
“Do you ever get tired of being straight?” Darren’s tone was slightly timid.
“Erm…yeah…yeah, I do.” It was a surprisingly frank response.
“Why?”
“For the same reasons I suppose…and I guess…I’m not sure I know what love really is.”
“Love? Aw, Daniel.” Daniel felt, more than saw, Darren turn on his side and lean on an elbow to get a better look at his face. “Well, what do you think it is?”
Daniel smiled up at Darren, amending slightly, “Well, I mean I don’t know what romantic love is. I know what love is, in general…I mean, I love you…and my family and my dogs and such.”
Darren returned the smile then flopped over and lay on his stomach, resting the side of his head on his folded hands. He suddenly smelt a slightly smoky, acrid but not completely unpleasant odor.
“I love you too…Mr. Filthy.”
Daniel exhaled, careful not to let his newly lit cigarette touch the carpet as he replied with exasperation, “You said it didn’t bother you.”
“It doesn’t…but you know, I’m telling you! Taking it up the arse is a much better high than any cigarette! And it’s real love!”
The guitarist nearly choked on the smoke as he retorted, “Oh, gawd! Not again with the conversion tactics-!” He swiftly rose to his feet and proceeded to flee the room, knowing all the while that Darren was gleefully on his heels like a puppy ready to worry a bone to death. No perversion intended.
~*~*~*~*~ Daniel plugged in his electric guitar and fiddled with the amp knobs. His entire home studio was in disarray but that’s how it got when the normally neatnik guitarist was musing.
Darren stood in the sound booth and warmed his voice, singing bits and pieces of Truly and Mine. The door to the booth was propped open with a drum casing, which completely defeated the purpose of the sound proof room. Darren rolled his eyes when he noticed.
Suddenly Daniel cranked a note on the electric guitar and completely drowned out Darren’s voice, obliterating his concentration and resulting in an unheard squawk from the singer. He glared at the guitarist through the glass but once again Mr. Filthy was oblivious.
Darren attempted to sing louder but the guitar was simply too much. Fuming, he waited until finally Daniel put the guitar down to pick up his acoustic instead. The slender man wandered over to the sound booth.
“Ok, I’m set. Let’s do this,” Daniel stated firmly with a smile.
New nickname. Mr. Oblivious.
As Dan went on to play some rough melodies and chords on the acoustic, Darren contemplated bashing him over the head with it.
Finally the guitarist ceased his animated explanations of the music he’d been working on to stare at Darren with a frown.
“Sing, damn it. What’s wrong now?”
Darren shrugged and made a waving gesture to Dan’s guitar, indicating for him to start again. As the younger man began the song again, Darren broke out into the chorus of the sugar pop original version of Truly a.k.a. Magical Kisses.
“I’ve got all your magical kiss-es…magical kiss-es…on your lips now-”
Daniel stumbled in his finger work then played a downright horrid note as he burst into peals of laughter. His deep laugh broke into his characteristic throaty chuckling. He put the acoustic down, grabbed Darren by the arm and started pulling him towards the door.
Handing the singer his sunglasses and wallet, Daniel proceeded to shut equipment off and snatch his keys and things before explaining, “We’re taking a break.”
“What? Another one?? But we’ve just had one! The fans aren’t going to like th-“
“Oh quiet, wanker! You know what I meant-“
And these are the days of our endless squabbles.
~*~*~*~*~ “Thanks for coming to lunch, Rebecca!” Darren smiled delightedly as he played with his coffee cup in his post-food bliss. The restaurant was fabulous, of course, even if it was expensive. Darren loved eating well.
Rebecca Mostow, Savage’s manager, returned the smile in her usual calm indulgent manner. “It’s no problem, Darren. I’m just sorry Daniel couldn’t join us.”
“Well…erm, actually I didn’t invite him. I just wanted to talk to you alone about something.” Darren hedged, his expressive blue eyes skittering away from her warm but shrewd brown ones.
The serene and confident manager smoothed back her crimped dark brown hair and leaned back in her chair. The light brown complexion of her face contrasted momentarily with flashing white teeth as she grinned to herself. She’d known something was up when Darren had called her for lunch alone.
“Sure, Dar, you know I’m here for you.”
“Yeah, I know…you’re the only one besides Leonie that really gets where I’m coming from. And she’s been a bit out of the loop lately.”
“Daniel again, hmm?”
“Yeah.” He gave a long-suffering sigh.
“It’s not…bad again, is it?”
“No, no, it’s nothing like that! Ah, don’t put that look on, it’s not like I can leave the planet to get away from him!” A self-mocking laugh, yet somehow still genuine.
“Well, can you blame me? You hopped continents last time!”
“Yes, I know.” Another sigh. “And I regret it now.”
“Talk to me, Darren…”
“I don’t know, Becca. I just feel like sometimes we’re too different. All that time apart, we’ve changed and lost track of each other. We’re just learning again how to work together, and he’s confused me already.”
“What’s he done?”
“He’s…gawd, this is ridiculous really. Look, I adore him. You know that. But we’re not the friends we used to be. It’s not the same. And now he’s started talking about love and my being gay and his getting tired of relationships and…these are things he never talked to me about when we were close. I just, I don’t know what to think or say.”
“Daniel never had a problem with your sexuality before though.” Rebecca gave him a confused look, drawing a frustrated sigh from the singer.
“He doesn’t now, either! He just seems to…be more open about it now. And he said something about being tired of being straight, and let me tell you, that threw me in the drier.” Darren paused as a waiter came by with a new pot of coffee and poured him some.
“Well, he’s made it quite apparent that he’s a bit put off with relationships, Darren. Maybe he’s just starting to understand how hard it was for you and Colby. But none of that is important, honey; your feelings are.”
“I know. I’ve never stopped loving him or wanting him. And I never will, Rebecca. I’ve accepted that. I’m truly happy with what I have with him, you know? We were talking a few weeks ago about being laid to rest together. Not the most appealing topic, I realize, but …he really got me. He and I are perfect as is. He loves me with his own intensity.”
“Well then there’s no difficulty is there? Darren, it’s true that you shouldn’t hope for things that you know one hundred percent will never happen…but then nothing is truly one hundred percent in this world. Except death, although I’m sure someday we’ll find a way to skirt that. Be happy with what you have, but don’t ever think things won’t change for the better. Maybe you will find love somewhere else.”
Darren sighed. His heart ached. “I missed him all this time. I was such a-a petulant, attention-seeking monster when I was trying to forget him. It took me so long to win him back after I pushed him so far away. I won’t do that again. But… maybe I’ll find a different love. Maybe I’ll try being straight again for a while.” He gave another self-mocking laugh as he remembered Daniel’s question the other day.
Rebecca reached across the table and took one of Darren’s hands in her own with a sympathetic look. “Well, listen, you’ve got plenty of time to get accustomed to the new Daniel what with production and recording coming up. And don’t over do spending time with him in an attempt to fix things. It could result in things being like they were again…and, Darren, if that happens, I really think you should just tell him how you feel.”
Darren gave her a wry look and kissed her hand before replying succinctly, “You know where I stand on that.”
She shrugged with a good-natured look, “I had to try.” The waiter returned with their desserts and they went on to more business related topics.
~*~*~*~*~ “Test…test…one, two…one, two…”
Darren watched everything as it blurred by. Daniel rushing around hooking the two of them up to sound jacks, testing microphones, testing instruments. He saw Charles Fischer, their returning producer, standing by the sound board with a few record label people and sound technicians. He waited, tugging his fitted singlet back to the waistband of his low-slung jeans as it rode up slightly on his abdomen.
“Alright Darren, let’s hear it.” The voice that came over the intercom was Rebecca’s. He was thankful she had decided to join the production process.
He sang his heart out, testing his range, even as he watched Daniel dart about with an energy that only came from the immense passion in and the enjoyment of the undertaking of one’s tasks.
He deliberately hit a slightly wrong note just so Daniel would pause and, in the midst of his directing and demanding over his headset, firmly declare, “That’s flat, Darren. Try it again.”
Darren waited until the recording light came on before starting again, a look of mischief in his eye. Instead of singing, he started talking, “Hey there, space cadets! Daniel here says I’m flat, am I flat?” With that he went into his warm up crooning, hitting every note perfectly and with full volume.
Daniel’s head shot up from where he was fiddling with the instrument microphones. Not realizing there was a vocal mic right behind him, he demanded, “What the hell are you doing, you fool?”
“I’m singing, baby! Aw, now I’m sad, boys and girls. Daniel hurt my feelings; shall we all egg his house? Or maybe we should try and get pictures of him in the shower to sell on Eba-“ Darren squealed with laughter as Daniel came over in a flash and covered his mouth with a strong hand. When Darren resisted, he started tickling him.
After a few seconds, Daniel had the singer in a bear hug from behind and deliberately spoke into his microphone. “Darren is now going to sing more songs, properly. Isn’t that right, Darren, baby?”
“Oooh, I think Daniel’s getting fresh with m-yes, YES, I am going to sing properly! I promise!” The pledge came when Daniel curled his fingers, brushing them gently against the singer’s ribs. Ticklish to a fault.
Charlie’s voice came over the intercom this time as he noted with amusement, “We are putting that on the album, you know!” Darren and Daniel both looked at the control booth in horror as two record label reps, one manager, one producer and three sound board and control operators grinned back.
Daniel smirked at the blonde singer, “Just desserts, I say.”
“Hey, you’re on there too!” Before the Great Pout could weaken his amusement, Daniel returned to running around and ordering people about, but not before landing a swift and smarting slap on Darren’s jean clad arse.
“Help! I’m being abused! No one respects the pop star singer anymore! Humph!”
~*~*~*~*~ No one would have been able to guess Charlie was the producer with the way Daniel rushed about, but then that’s why the band had decided to go back to its first album producer. They needed to learn some things over again as a band and they needed the freedom to do so.
Most of the recording from there was finished without a hitch. Darren kept a close eye on Daniel the entire time. He could tell Daniel wasn’t completely feeling quite the thing by his ashen complexion, but still he admired how the guitarist barreled on. The caramel blonde man caught Rebecca’s eye and nodded his head at Daniel as he sang the last notes of the main chorus. Rebecca looked at Daniel and understood immediately.
She spoke quietly to Charles who glanced over and nodded. His voice came over the intercom, once the red recording light was off. “Daniel, we’re done instrumentals. Listen, we just have to do vocals for the last two songs, and that won’t take but another few hours or so. Why don’t you head on home, you’ve been here fourteen hours straight, mate. You can play the workhorse when we start mixing next week, ‘right?”
Daniel looked up from his scrambling through sheet music with a blank look. Then looked at his watch, hesitating. Even in his casual ensemble of navy blue cargos and singlet, he was sweating a bit profusely.
Darren approached him and gently touched his shoulder. “Go home, Dan. You’re exhausted.”
He couldn’t help but reach a hand up and smooth back the younger man’s hair, spiky from perspiration mixing with hair products. Daniel closed his eyes momentarily then smiled in surrender, his eyes radiating a happy fatigue.
“Alright, I know when I’m not wanted!” He called at the control booth, inducing smiles from the record label people in there. He turned back to Darren, running his fingers through his hair as he expelled a tired breath. “Hey listen, I’m going for lunch with Karl tomorrow to talk about band rehearsals and tryouts, do you want to come?”
Darren hesitated, his eyes flitting to Rebecca, who waved at them and then proceeded to leave the studio. Remembering her warnings, he smiled apologetically, patting Dan on the back as he explained, “I can’t. I’ve got to wrap up the solo business tomorrow. Once my last single is out completely, I can quit the promotions for the album.”
Daniel made a face before nodding in understanding. He gathered his belongings, and just as he made his way out, he turned back as if struck by a thought. Giving the singer a peculiarly searching look, he said quietly, “I really missed you, Darren. Welcome back.”
“Thanks, Danny. I missed you too.” Darren watched as the lean yet finely muscled and tanned guitarist left the studio. All that tennis…he was a gym kind of guy himself. He sighed and went back to work.
~*~*~*~*~ “-so Darren starts babbling away like an idiot into the microphone and now they’re going to print it with the album! He’s such a poofter! In every sense of the word!” Daniel grinned indulgently as he recounted the events of the day before to Karl Lewis, the band’s drummer for most of Savage Garden’s history.
Karl nodded with a big grin of his own; his sun-tanned face was wreathed with laugh lines that were a contrast to his soft and naturally dark hair. He thanked the waitress when she brought their extremely urban meals. They were near enough to the pub attached to the restaurant that they could hear the furor of the football match.
Daniel suddenly stopped in mid-bite and apologized, his eyes murky green with thought, “Listen, sorry if I keep going on about him. I just, I missed having him as a normal, fun loving bloke. He was always so immersed in the public image, I can’t even understand how he managed to stay sane.”
Karl shrugged, his eyes darkening as he remembered how Darren had treated the backing band and even Daniel during the last tour three years ago.
His soft voice resonated slightly as he acquiesced, “I guess retaining that persona when he was talking to everyone was the only way for him to stay sane. The band’s forgiven him for the most part for our sake, Dan. But what he did with you…”
“But it’s only because I let him. I pulled away the more I saw that side of him. He’s not the same egomaniac he used to be, Karl. Look, he’ll always be a diva. But he’s our diva, I don’t think he’ll show us disrespect like that again.” Karl mused and agreed hesitantly, but Daniel could tell something was on his mind. “What is it, Karl?”
The drummer took a deep breath and pinned Daniel with his intuitive gaze. “It isn’t just Darren that’s changed, is it?”
Daniel paused then put his fork down. He bit his lip, his gaze darting to the T.V. monitors overhead as the U.S. scored a goal on Australia. Finally he looked back at Karl and admitted, “No, it’s not. Karl…look…can I ask you something?”
“That’s why we’re here, I think.” The small-framed older man raised a brow in a gentle teasing manner. Daniel made a face at his perceptiveness.
“Yeah. Well…what do you know about…love?”
“Erm…well I know that’s one of those things that no one’s an expert on. And it’s different for everyone. So what’s really the question?” Karl. Always to the point.
“Ok, ok. Suppose there’s this girl that’s more like a mate…how do you know when a friendly kind of love changes to romantic? Moreover, can you be romantically in love without any sort of attraction? I mean, she’s pretty enough, but there’s just something missing in a physical sense…”
“Gad, mate. That’s a fire ‘n fry pan question. I don’t really know, having never experienced it. Since the physical is out, I’d have to say, when you can’t imagine living without them by your side every day. I mean you can have really great friends, yeah. But if you want to grow old with one of them…if you can see the two of you spending your millions of hoarded dollars forty years from now…that’s romantic love.”
Karl took a sip of his beer as he contemplated his answer, then nodded as if finding it suitable. Overhead, Australian football fans were losing their lungs over an Aussie goal.
Daniel flung a french fry at Karl in response to the ‘millions of hoarded dollars’ bit, but then stared at his food as he tried to determine what he felt. “But, I’ve never been in love where I didn’t fancy them. What if it’s not really love then? It’s all so absolutely fucked.”
Karl finally lay his fork down too, knowing that neither of them would be able to eat until this was worked out to Daniel’s satisfaction. “Danny, this I know for sure. You are the type of bloke that controls everything, or at least tries to. Right down to what you feel. And if somewhere, subconsciously, you’re feeling that you shouldn’t want this person, then you won’t. For whatever reasons. What you need to do is look at this girl, really look at her, and let go of all the chips and baggage. Take a chance with her.”
Daniel’s gaze remained fixated on his food and for a moment, Karl thought he hadn’t heard a word, but finally the frosted blonde head rose and slightly emotional shiny green eyes met his. Australia scored again.
“Thanks, mate. You might be right. Yeah, maybe you’re right. Now I just need to work up the courage to do anything about it. And even if I ever work it up proper, what if I never really want her that way…how do I explain that to her? Assuming of course that she even has any feelings for me-Christ, this is useless!”
Karl raised his hands in defeat, his eyes widening, “Ok, see now those are completely separate issues. You’ve got to take it one at a time. You can if, and, but and or your way to hell all you want, it won’t do anything for you ‘til you take that first step.”
Daniel sighed and nodded as if in defeat, and slowly started picking at his food again. Karl joined him, as the T.V. set announced a U.S. defeat in the hands of Australia.
“Hey, Daniel?”
“Yeah?”
“So who’s the girl anyway?” Karl’s curiosity got the better of him.
Daniel looked at him with expressionless eyes and smiled wryly before continuing to slowly devour his lunch.
Karl shrugged. “Suit yourself.” A small comfortable silence ensued before Daniel finally spoke again.
“Thanks for listening, Karl. Really. I would have talked to Darren about this, but I don’t know, I’ve never really talked to him about this sort of thing.”
“Well there’s a first time for everything, mate. He might have more insight than I do.”
“Hmm. Yeah, maybe.”
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